My Fair Hobo (2/2)

The evening before the crucial meeting in which he was supposed to impersonate a murdered billionaire, Truit had cold feet. He lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

At no time in his life had he been considered a great brain. He’d occasionally been ridiculed at school for being stupid, he’d been duped by more than one unscrupulous character, and his friend Theodore had affectionally said that Truit was slow but . Although h lived on the streets he could not be said to have ‘street smarts’.

Perhaps his senses were heightened by anxiety, by newfound sobriety or by the ginseng supplements Lily had been forcing him to take…whatever the reason, he was now having thoughts and misgivings.

At the moment, while he was posing as Simon Chang, he was valuable. Previously, as Truit from the streets, he was as valuable as a used condom. The question now was…the question now…there was something his subconscious was trying to tell him but he couldn’t fish it up. He tossed and turned, unable to rest. He decided to get up and get a glass of water from the bathroom.

He walked into the bathroom adjoined to his bedroom. On the point of turning on the light, he smelled cigarette smoke. Looking up, he saw that the high window was opened a crack.

“Don’t fret,” said a male voice--Truit immediately recognized it as belonging to Drago. “It’s all planned perfectly. Nothing can go wrong.”

“Nothing?” It was Lily’s voice, scornful. “What if the piggy squeals before we get the cash?”

“How? He doesn’t speak Chinese. Is he going to start doing charades?”

“I don’t trust him. He’s so stupid he could ruin all our hard work and not even realize he’s doing it.”

“It’s foolproof. I’m telling you. You’re trained him well. All we need is that he goes through the motions for another twelve hours. And then little piggy goes to market…” he started making unpleasant squealing sounds.

“Shhhhh!” said Lily, though she giggled.

There was a soft wet sound, as of a sloppy kiss, then Drago said,

“It’s going to be great babe.”

Truit’s blood ran cold. That was it! That was what his unconscious had been trying to tell him: tomorrow, after he was useful, once he was ‘Truit’ again, they were going to kill him.

He tiptoed out of the bathroom and paced his bedroom. He did not want to die. In fact, he refused to die. All the indignities of his life, and there was a good number of them, came rushing into his mind’s eye and filled him with white-hot rage. He realized that he resented being kidnapped, he resented being called a piggy and he strongly objected to the idea of being executed.

“Au diable avec eux!” he moaned and spat.

In truth, he would have liked to rush down and kill the pair of them—strangle them! —but he knew the bedroom door was locked and that they were both armed. Better to  pretend everything was fine until the last minute. But when would that be?

In the morning, when Lily brought in his breakfast, she asked how he slept.

“Like a baby!” he smiled.

“Good,” she cooed duplicitously. “Eat up, you have a big morning ahead of you. And soon you’ll be free. How does it feel?”

“Feels good, man,” he said. “Feels great.”

“I’ve brought your suit up. Be careful with it—don’t put it on until you’ve finished breakfast, OK?”

“OK,” he nodded.

She left the room, locking the door again, smiling slightly.

Truit felt too sick to eat. The smell was nauseating.

Dully, he started to dress. He noticed that the suit was new and still had tissue paper inside it. He pulled it out, a plan starting to form in his mind. He’d already found a pen in the corner of the wardrobe in his room. Using the tissue, he started writing a note:

Whoever reads this, please help! Tell the police a Chinese billionaire called Simon Chang was murdered in Little Burgundy a few weeks ago. His killers—Lily and Drago--disguised him as a homeless man and they kidnapped me, Truit Bulger, in a silver Audi. They are making me disguise myself as Chang so that they can defraud someone of a lot of money. They will kill me soon. Please help. Here is a diamond. If you save my life I will give you the other diamond.

“Are you ready?” Lily’s voice came from outside the door.

“Yes, yes—nearly,” said Truit, hurriedly removing one of his diamond ear studs and folding it up in the note, then putting the package in his trouser pocket. He didn’t know if he’d get the chance to give it to anyone, but at least he was prepared.

Lily finished unlocking the door and, discreetly pointing a pistol at him, waited for him to come downstairs.

“You didn’t eat,” she nodded towards his plate.

“Nervous,” he smiled winsomely.

“Huumph. OK, get going.”

She reviewed his appearance and nodded once.

“Good.”

He grinned.

“Do I need to tell you what happens if you go off-script?” she said.

“No ma’am,” he said.

Suddenly, she looked at him sharply and then took a hold of his left ear lobe.

“What happened?” she barked. “Where is your earring?”

“I lost it,” he said sheepishly. “I looked everywhere for it this morning. It must have fallen down the drain.”

“Wonderful!” Lily threw her hands up in the air. “He lost a flawless diamond,” she looked at Drago. “You see what we’re dealing with here?”

“Sorry ma’am,” said Truit. “But I don’t see why you should be upset. It’s my diamond, isn’t it? I mean, you said that if I did this favour then it’s mine. So I’m the loser here.”

She bit her lip and gave him an ambiguous lip.

“Ye-es, that is definitely true. You are the loser. I never met such a clumsy fool in my life.”

Drago looked at his watch.

“We have to leave now,” he said.

They walked to the Audi, which was parked out the front of the mansion.

“I’m in the back with you,” said Lily grimly. “Don’t even think of starting anything.”

“Why would I start anything?” Truit whined. “Do you think I want to cause any trouble? Anyone would think I was the one inconveniencing youinstead of the other way about. The sooner I can get back to my old life, the better as far as I’m concerned.”

“Your old life…as a drunken bum?!” Lily said. Drago snorted, amused.

“That’s right,” said Truit. “Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for how you helped me out with my teeth and everything. They were really giving me trouble, I won’t lie. But as for the rest of it! Not being able to fart without your ladyship’s permission, eating grass, wearing this strait jacket of a suit…I’ve been better. Yes I have.”

“Charming,” said Lily.

“If you want to know the truth,” said Truit. “I feel sorry for you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I feel sorry for you. You’re trapped by all your fancy what-have-you. Your nice cars and your ‘smart houses’ and Versace crap that was probably made for five bucks in a Cambodian sweatshop. Does it make you happy?”

“Happy?” said Lily, mystified.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you smile one single time since I’ve been here. No, buddy. Give me the street. No bills, no boredom, no bullshit.” He folded his arms and glowered out of the window.

“You know,” said Drago, “I’ll give you one thing. You’re original,” chuckled Drago from the driver’s seat.

Truit lapsed into silence. Despite his bravado, he was scared. His mouth was dry and he started sweating. They’d reached Chambly on the outskirts of Montreal. It wouldn’t be long now until they arrived at the rendezvous. He needed to be ready for his chance, if he got a chance. For the first time since he was eight years old, he prayed.

The car moved into the inner-city business district, characterized by steel, glass, massive fiberglass sculptures.

Drago stopped in the street, to let Lily and Truit out. They were outside a nondescript temple to Mammon whose entrance was flanked by two stainless-steel topiary-style trees. Truit caught sight of a figure hunched near the entrance, a man sitting on a piece of cardboard with his hoodie pulled up over his head. An empty Tim Horton’s cup sat in front of him, waiting for loonies and toonies. With a thud of his heart, Truit realized it was his best friend Drake. His prayers had been answered!

If only I can pull it off, he thought.

A car honked loudly and someone shouted from a car. In that moment, Lily looked at the source of the noise, allowing Truit to drop the note into Drake’s cup.

Done.

Just as the two of them were entering the revolving doors, a voice called. Drake was waving at them.

“’Scuse me sir, madam! ‘Scuse me! You dropped something.”

Truit was terrified but did not look back. He kept moving ahead. Lily looked suspiciously at Drake, then at Truit.

“You know that guy?”

“Yeah, I know him,” Truit muttered “He’s a psycho. Don’t make eye-contact with him or he’ll have une montée de lait. Seriously, I wouldn’t mess with him.”

“Security!” Lily called. A very large man approached.

“Attend to that please,” she said, gesturing at Drake. “He is dangerous.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Truit saw Drake run away on seeing the guard come to the door. He felt a pang of remorse, knowing that his friend wouldn’t hurt a beetle, in fact he was terrified of any kind of cop.

“This way,” Lily hissed.

They took the elevator to the seventh floor, got out and saw that there were two bodyguards standing outside door 715.

Lily said something brisk in Chinese, and the two men nodded slightly. She knocked and the door sprang open.

Lily nodded at Truit. He gulped, then entered. She followed him in.

There was a man in the room who was probably about 60. He was about 5-foot-5 and compact and wiry. He wore a pin-striped suit and a rather obvious toupee.

He was standing to greet the two of them, and extended his arm to shake Truit’s hand. Truit tried to give a firm grip but it was not convincing. The other man’s hand was cool, dry and vice-like; Truit’s was sweaty and limp.

“Rex Harris, how do you do?”

The man smiled insincerely at Truit, peering and clearly trying to make out his eyes behind the sunglasses.

“Will Mr. Chang take his sunglasses off?”

“No, he has recently had eye surgery. It is for his protection,” Lily said respectfully, her whole character suddenly changing to that of a lackey.

“Very good,” said the man, “Well, why don’t we get down to business? Shall we sit down? Would Mr. Chang like some coffee or tea?”

Lily spoke to Truit in Chinese and he shook his head and smiled.

“OK, well, as we discussed on email, my client is very happy to go ahead with this deal. However, I will need to complete some paperwork first, with your cooperation.”

“Of course,” Lily nodded.

She said some nonsense to Truit, who also nodded.

The lawyer led them through a sheaf of papers leaf by leaf, asking ‘Simon’ to sign and initial in various places.

With each passing minute, Truit wondered if Drake had opened his note and if he’d do anything about it. Or had he dropped it when running away from the security guard? He had to admit that the odds were that both the note and the earring were lost. His fate was in his own hands.

The lawyer indicated three suitcases, each one chained to the table. One by one, he opened them and showed that they were full of cash.

Lily said something, which was Truit’s cue to come up with a phrase in Mandarin.

Lily translated.

“Mr. Chang asks respectfully if you could count the money.”

“Certainly,” said Harris. He started to count. Truit was groaning inside, his mind reviewing various scenarios. He could see that Lily was holding on the edge of her chair, her knuckles white, belying the serenity of her facial expression.

“One thousand, one thousand one hundred…” and so on. Three thousand, four thousand, five thousand…they hadn’t even got halfway through the first suitcase yet!

“Is it really necessary to go through the other two?” Rex Harris asked.

Lily spoke to Truit, who came up with another of his phrases.

“Mr. Chang says that it is acceptable if you merely count each bundle of the other two suitcases.

Twenty minutes later, the money was counted. Two million dollars. In cash.

“Thank you, that is satisfactory,” said Lily.

“And, the keys?” Rex Harris asked expectantly.

“Yes, of course,” Lily replied. She handed the lawyer an envelope. He produced two golden keys and nodded with satisfaction. The deal seemed to have been concluded.

“Wonderful. Well, I wish you a very pleasant stay in our beautiful city.”

“Merci,” said Truit.

There was an awkward moment. Rex Harris looked taken aback.

“You speak French?” he said, surprised.

“He knows a few phrases,” Lily interrupted. “He wanted to be polite to his host city.”

“Please, compliment him on his excellent pronunciation,” Harris bowed.

Lily said something in Mandarin to Truit.

Rex Harris said something Mandarin.

Truit smiled.

After a moment of silence, Lily said. “Well, thank you. Mr. Chang must be getting along. His flight for Guangzhou leaves this afternoon. If you will give us the suitcases.”

“Yes, yes, of course,” said Rex Harris. “Allow me. Would you like our guards to carry them to your car for you? They are a little cumbersome.”

“Oh no, thank you. That will not be necessary. Mr. Chang’s security is just downstairs in the lobby.”

“I see. Well, au revoir then!” Rex beamed at them.

“Au revoir!” Truit said, much to Lily’s annoyance.

Rex handed Truit two suitcases and Lily one. At a dignified pace, they walked to the elevator, waited it to get to their floor and then got in.

“Merde!” Lily swore. She called Drago. “Babe, are you out the front, ready? Start the car now. We need to leave as soon as we get there—that bastard suspects something.” She jabbed the phone to end the call.

“Lily,” said Truit. “Lily,”

“What?” she hissed.

“I need to go to the can.”

“Later.”

“It can’t wait. I have prostate problems. It’s urgent.”

“Sacrament, are you serious? Ugh, fine, but I’m coming with you.”

“OK,” Truit said. He considered that any delay was worthwhile.

She jabbed the ‘2’ button and they found a toilet on the second floor. Lily insisted on going into the men’s room with him, carrying all three suitcases with her.

“Decent of you to look away,” he said. “Thanks for giving me some privacy, I appreciate it.”

“Shut up. Oh, merde, what’s that?”

“It sounds like a police siren,” Truit said innocently.

Her phone rang.

“Babe, it’s you!” she said. “What? Oh my god. Where are you going? Well what am I going to do stuck here with this village idiot?”

“What’s going on?” Truit asked when she hung up.

“Be quiet can’t you?”

“Is it the cops?” I asked. “Because if you ask me, we could probably get out of this window, onto the fire escape and into the alley. I remember sleeping rough under this building a few times.”

“And the suitcases?” she sneered.

There’s a garbage skip down there. I could hide them under that until the cops leave. They’re probably chasing Drago at this point anyway.”

“I suppose there’s nothing else for it. You go first and I’ll throw the suitcases down to you. Remember, if you do anything dodgy, Drago will come for you,” she sounded less convincing than she had before. “I’ll go down to the lobby and say that Simon Chang disappeared. You take off the sunglasses and suit jacket—no one will mistake you for a billionaire. Wait for me there, OK?”

Truit scrambled down the fire escape and kicked the briefcases under the skip as they came raining down. There was no sign of the police in the alley yet. Lily disappeared.

At that point, if Truit was honest, his inclination was to wait for Lily, to make off with her with the money. It was exhilarating. And there was part of him that thought: Drago has betrayed Lily. He left. I stayed. Therefore Lily will choose me. I will be Simon Chang and she will be my interpreter. We will live happily ever after.

Truit, after all, never was known for his brains.

Possibly, if at that moment Drake had not come around the corner, Truit would have waited for Lily.

“Truit!” Drake enfolded him in a malodorous embrace. “You’re alive! Sacrament, it’s really you! I got your note—I called the police, they’re here. I saved your life! I couldn’t believe it when I saw that diamond. I thought someone was pulling my leg. But, what on earth happened? You have to tell me everything.”

Truit felt something of a sinking sensation.

“Are the police here now?”

“Yeah, they’re in the lobby. They arrested some woman. Is she the one you called Lily?”

“Yeah.”

“Wild.”

“Yeah,” Truit was now truly glum.

“So, what’s new?”

“Well, there’s two million dollars in cash under that skip there.”

Drake laughed uproariously.

“Great.”

“I’m not joking. Take a look.”

Drake could not help looking. Sure enough, there were three black briefcases. Just as Drake was opening one, two policemen came running around the corner and whacked him on the head with a baton and arrested both Drake and Truit.

A week later, the friends were sharing a can of White Crab.

“There’s, uh something I’ve been meaning to, uh, say, Truit.”

“Yep, what is it?”

“Well, you know how I saved your life and everything. And in your note you said that whoever saved your life, you’d give the other earring to? I was just thinking…”

Truit sighed and took out his other ear stud.

“Thanks Buddy,” said Drake and sighed with happiness.